The Diary of a Mad Black Mother

I talked to my grandma this morning right before my class. I am still thinking about the things she said. My uncle told her that I was feeling very depressed lately (he found out through my status on myspace). Which I have been. I have been a mom for 10 months now and its still a struggle for me. I have been trying to change a man that doesnt want or feels the need to be changed. For almost 3 years I have been training him to be something he is not. I am sitting here, taking care of my daughter, alone. Its the same sad ass story. And its getting to the point where im fed up. Im tired of these childish games. I sacrificed so much in order to be where I am at right now. A TERRIFIC UNDERAGED MOTHER!!! I feel as though he didnt sacrifice anything

“Mommas baby, Daddys maybe”

My grandma was telling me how I dont have to stay in the situation I am in. I can always leave. The door is always open. I dont need to be staying in a relationship with someone when I continually give my all and he gives nothing in return. My friend Cheniqua told me “Stop doing for him since he wont do for you”. Which was the wisest thing I ever heard her crazy butt say! My grandma was telling me not to stay in a relationship just because of my daughter. Pack ya shit up and leave if you aint happy. Theres no other way to put it girl. Pack it up and I will come and get you. The problem is she lives in VA, I live in PA. its not like I dont want to leave, its just the fact that I am still in school, I dont have a job, I am living off of the money mah school gives me every month. I am in the process of getting my license and also getting my CNA license, so that I can get a job!! I feel like I am sacrificing alot. There is way more to the story but I feel like if I continue to say anymore, it would just be more excuses. Using his mothers illness and his brothers disability as an excuse. Its all just more excuses. Why wont I leave? Because I am afraid to. I could easily hop up and move to florida or virginia or even mah moms house. But I cant. I feel like im risking it. I feel stable where I am at right now. If I leave, I will just be walking away with a mask over my face not knowing which way to go! I know that Gods there to lead me, but I dont understand why I cant just trust that fully. I dont want to struggle anymore. I dont feel like its my time to go. Maybe next year will be my time, or the year after that. But until then, I dont think that I can leave just yet. I dont feel like its my time.

I can handle the blows and the stress, its been almost two years already, why not add an extra one. I may sound stupid as hell, but I have nothing. But I am gonna work my way up until I have something so that i can leave with no doubt in my mind that I aint coming back. Not a worry in the world, because I KNOW that I am able to handle my child by myself.

Its kind of like quitting your job and you dont have an extra one under your belt. So then you have to go on this strenuous search to find another one. And you dont know how long its gonna take until you find one. But all you can do is hope.

Im not trying to do that, I have a child and I need to be more responsible. No matter how stupid I may seem, I know that I am doing the smart thing. I think I can see the path that God wants me to have.